Introvert Q&A — Puzzled Extrovert

May 13, 2009

Crystal: I am an extrovert married to an introvert, and I feel very lonely at times.  My husband tends to prioritize other things before me. Sometimes I understand this, but there are other times I wish he would hear what I say and ask of him.  I would mean so much to me to just get a hug or to be held for awhile. He comes from a family that  aren’t touchy feely so that puts me in a pickle at times because I am!  Or even if, for no reason, he would say he loves me — I don’t know the last time he has said it on his own without me saying it  first.  These little things would do so  much for me and my day. I know he loves me, no doubt about it.  But saying it is nice, and feeling it is wonderful.  He uses the introvert thing on me all the time and sometimes I feel it’s an excuse not to be a  loving husband.  The dog does nothing and gets more out of him than I  ever could. I’m jealous.  When we first married he couldn’t get  enough of me. Now I don’t know what to think, he wants his privacy and time alone more often. Until recent years I didn’t know what  introverts were.  He researched it.  Being the extrovert is hard. I’m  talkie, talkie and more of the hugger. I say what I feel.

I question how on earth I got involved with an introvert sometimes  when 
I’m blue and down about our relationship. I have a lot of time my hands and I do need other things to fill it, I do understand that.  But at the end of the day I would love just the 2 of us connect the way a husband and wife should I guess.

Is there anything you can tell me that might help with this  introvert?  I feel I’ve done everything he’s ask of me I feel it’s my turn: “I understand you, you understand me kind of thing.” I feel like  an introvert these days, craving his attention and being left alone  too much, even with him in the house.

Thanks for listening. To me this a puzzler.

Laurie: I do think it’s hard being an extrovert with an introverted partner. My sister is an extrovert and has an extreme introvert for a partner, and his need for ample time to himself is a huge challenge for her. I don’t have an easy answer except to not be intimidated, and to keep your needs in the mix. If he needs time to himself, you can be understanding while expecting the same — ask him to come up with “couple time” for you. Do know (and this is hard) that it’s not personal. He is probably withdrawing from other social stimulation (e.g., from work), but unfortunately you get the brunt of it. It may be wise to give him time to himself for a bit after he returns from work, but to expect sharing time after — or take turns (because you probably want to share right after work). Finally, the reality is that we can’t get everything we need from our partners, and sometimes you’ll be better off talking with a friend who craves interaction like you do.

Though I-E relationships can be challenging, the stretch required for
understanding each other ultimately strengthens the relationship — just as
stretching complementary muscles strengthens the body.  And anyone in an I-E relationship knows it IS a workout.


2 Responses to “Introvert Q&A — Puzzled Extrovert”

  1. Hi Laurie,

    I think this Q&A is a great idea. I wasn’t sure how to submit my question, so I’m using the comments, I hope that’s okay.

    First of all, I really enjoyed your book, Introvert Power. It opened my eyes to the ways our world is constructed to unintentionally favour the extrovert.

    I was interested to see that you are an actor as well — me too! So, here’s my problem/question. I have never really mastered the art of auditioning, and I have begun to wonder if this is because I don’t respond well to the curve ball that is thrown at me in like 90% of auditions. (Could you sing a different song? Or “Start from here, not here” or “Could you do it with an accent?”). Even though in rehearsal I take direction well, I don’t seem to be able to do it nearly so well at auditions. My impulse is to go away and prepare and then show what I’ve prepared, not come up with something different right there in the moment with a table full of judges watching.

    Could you comment on different strategies you’ve come up with to deal with the inevitable audition curve ball?

    • Hi Christina — I’m sorry I’ve taken so long to reply. So many events intersecting in my life: a graduation, a death, expansion of my Book It! consulting services. Life. But I love your question and relate to your dilemma. Yes, actors are often introverts, and introversion can actually be an asset on stage — we are good at “digging deep” to develop our characters. But auditions. I suggest practicing the curve balls, as odd as that may seem. Have a trusted friend (preferably an actor who can simulate the experience) fire off various requests and practice responding. Still, it’s hard, and sometimes the best response is an honest one: dramatize your anxiety — when asked to for a different song, try singing your anxiety. Letting it out can disarm and soften your audience, and you may be applauded for your creativity.

      All for now. Break a leg!


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